Getting the Relationship You Want!


Everyone’s talking about this “relationship stuff” in Starbucks, on the subway, at the local restaurants and bars on Friday nights. Does anyone have a good relationship, or for that matter… a Great Sex Life? As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Clinical Sexologist, of course I have an opinion! Although many couples present in therapy with frequent complaints of “Desire problems”… I don’t want to hear about how much they claim to love each other.

Instead I’m more interested in their actions towards each other.

A few key Rules For Relationship:

  1. Two of the most significant ingredients for a successful relationship are Respect and Intimacy.
  2. Quality vs. Quantity… it’s not the number of times per week that you’re having sex!
  3. Creating Intimacy is about how you speak to each other from the time you wake up in the morning till you go to bed at night.
  4. Genuine and authentic consideration for your partner, caring about yours and your partner’s needs are crucial to building a trusting, loving and intimate love.
  5. Its not “All About Me”… but rather… “All About Us”!!!!!!! Remember what attracted you to each other in the first place… and the goals you had for yourselves as a couple.
  6. Define what it is that you want and need in your relationship and figure out what’s stopping you from getting there.
  7. Drop your weapons, especially if you have children, and learn to work together as a team. First and foremost you must identify the problem that is affecting your relationship. If you don’t acknowledge the problem, you can’t fix it.

It is true that after the initial stages of infatuation that original surge of hormones such as dopamine and serotonin lessen as familiarity settles in. All of a sudden most couples are complaining of the demands of their respective partners, and lack of spontaneity!

One of my professors referred to the journey of Marriage and Relationship as; the “Three P’s of Relationship”… Pleasure, Pain, and the Plain Mundane. Yes, its true that oxytocin takes the place of the original “lust” hormones”… and the daily routines of life together may seem to settle down at times… to a dull simmer.

I disagree with my old professor however… and believe that Romance, Love and Lust can be re-created again and again, with the right relationship skills. These may include learning a new way of interacting with your partner, changing up old patterns of interaction, sequences of behavior. Learning these skills is easier than they sound. Many of these issues can be resolved with the help of a qualified Therapist, however, you must be ready and willing to do the work… don’t expect your Therapist to Fix the problems in your relationship for you. You can have the Relationship you want … You deserve no less!!